February 2012
3 posts
I'm about to get really real with you, Tumblr
There are two kinds of people I have no tolerance for:
(1) People who use what ails them as an excuse to mistreat others
(2) Joke one-uppers*
*There is such a fine line between bantering and joke-one-uppery, but goddamn, it exists and should be respected.
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January 2012
12 posts
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My weekend of leisurely drinking turned into a...
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I was clownin’ on a keyboard at home and...
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“De esa debilidad saqué fuerzas que no me abandonaron.” (“From my weakness I drew strength that never left me.”)
- El jardín de senderos que se bifurcan*, Jorge Luis Borges
*I reread Ficciones on a yearly basis, and am stunned every time. This has been my attempt at a Borgesian footnote. You may do either of two things: punch me for using the word “Borgesian”...
December 2011
12 posts
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On Flirty Texting: a conversation I just...
A: (while texting) How do you spell foresight?
L: F-o-r-e-s-i-g-h-t.
A: Ok, cool. That’s what I thought. (putting down phone) Uchh, I feel so weird sending flirty text messages.
L: (after a moment of silence) I’m not sure about this, but if you’re using the word “foresight,” you may be doing it wrong.
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Hey Tumblr, guess what I got you for whatever...
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What's worse...
your O face
OR
the face you make when hitting “send” on a flirty text message
?
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My Top 1 Business Ideas of the Day
1. A service called “Baggage Claim” where recently broken up couples can hire me to get their stuff out of their ex’s house.*
*I will also offer: -complementary counseling -negotiation advice, and -homemade cookies
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November 2011
8 posts
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A Very Myers Thanksgiving Morn'
9:02am - Awake to the sound of my mom’s incredibly loud speaking voice
9:06am - Come downstairs to realize she was having a conversation with our dogs
9:34am - Consume 2 Maple doughnuts in rapid succession
9:40am - My dad discovers how a Mac can function without a right-click button
9:30am - The turkey enters the oven, spurring various jokes about my vegetarianism
9:45am - Freak out...
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That thing where you get on Tumblr and are like...
And then you’re like, “Ohhh, the Daily Grace bump.”
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Brainstorming epitaphs
Allison E. Myers, (July 26, 1988 - ????): Constantly failed at bus etiquette, despite best efforts.
OR
Perfected the ratio of wits to tits.
OR
Saved seats for her friends, but with great anxiety and resentment.
OR
Leave me plates of nachos in lieu of flowers.
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October 2011
17 posts
effenfish asked: you said "" that is more of a "drive men mad" outfit
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I'm doing that thing again where I long-form blog... →
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I realize this article is 4 years old, but I'm... →
Why is it still okay to write shit like this?:
“However, there is something that you absolutely never hear from a male friend who is hymning his latest (female) love interest: ‘She’s a real honey, has a life of her own … [interlude for attributes that are none of your business] … and, man, does she ever make ‘em laugh.’”
1. “Absolutely never”?...
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TREAT YO SELF
Vegan muffins? Treat yo self.
YouTube makeup tutorials? Treat yo self!
Meiji chococones? Treat yo self.
Spend a bunch of hours citechecking? Nooooo!
Rewatch the latest episode of Parks and Rec? Treat yo self.
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It's so bizarre to see Ben Folds refer to my...
I CAN GET INTO IT.
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SWF seeking a guy who is every male character on...
(…is what my dating profile would say if I were still online-dating.)
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Aw man, now I have to decide which Fünke/Bluth to...
I basically look/dress like a 23-year-old Maeby, so that’s just too easy.
My roommate says I can’t be Lindsey because I’m not a surfboard.
So, Tobias? Yes, I think we’re all agreed.