January 2010
96 posts
I'm on my way HERE for the weekend! Jealous? →
No Sexual Bending?! That's my signature move! →
I love how Rachel Dratch plays a million characters in Season 1 of 30 Rock.
“Hey… Neil Patrick Harris is the guest judge on American Idol tonight!!”
– Text from my Dad
He remembers that Doogie Howser was my first crush!
I just volunteered to work extra hours at the Writing Center exclusively tutoring ESL students. Awesome, or crazy?
Watching The Biggest Loser on your period is THE...
gracehelbig:
THEY GET TO CALL HOME THIS WEEK! I AM A MESS!
I would add to that: Tough Love 2, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, Teen Mom, certain episodes of America’s Next Top Model, and The Color of Friendship (the made for TV movie on the Disney Channel)
LOL MENSTRUATION
Dear Amazon.com,
Yes, I realize that a few months ago I ordered a bunch of Chaucer books from you. Those were textbooks though. I was taking a Chaucer CLASS, but it’s over now. I honestly do not have any inherent interest in Chaucer, so you can stop emailing me recommendations of the newest translation of The Canterbury Tales.
You can keep the Jewish book recommendations coming though. Haikus for Jews was...
“Have a great and powerful day!”
– New favorite email sign-off from an Admissions officer from Georgetown
Hooray Contradictions!
I always get annoyed at people when they get too into whatever game is on, and I tell them that “sports aren’t real.” In fact, I was explaining this to my brother and dad when they were watching the Vikings/Saints game today.
Upon hearing that the Saints won, my first thought was: “Aww, I bet Kim Kardashian is so happy that her BF is going to the Super Bowl.”
If...
I just titled the introduction to my thesis:
Chapter 1 - Defining the Jewish Comedian or, “Why is this Comedian Different from All Other Comedians?”
Too much, or too good?
Sign Real Quick? →
I think this is how it will go down
Comcast employee: Hello, thank you for calling Comcast (blah blah insert some slogan). My name is Malik, how can I help you today?
Allie, desperate college student: Hi Malik. I have a question about my recent bill.
(Malik and Allie exchange necessary account information.)
Malik: Alright, so what is your question? (He feigns innocence. He already knows.)
Allie: Well, this month the price of my cable and internet package jumped up by $30. I thought the deal extended for a whole year. (She decides to play Malik's game, and feigns innocence as well. She knows it was a 6-month deal.)
Malik: It says here that we extended your original price for another 6 months by request.
Allie: Alright, Malik, if that's even your name, let's cut the bullshit and be real with eachother.
Malik: Um, excuse me? I can...
Allie: It's not time for polite conventions.
Malik: Mam, I'm just trying to say that-
Allie: Don't call me mam. You don't even know who the fuck I am. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
Malik: I don't know what- I just...
Allie: You listen to me, Malik, and you listen to me good. You're going to take the motherfucking price of my cable and internet, and I'm talking the cheap package, no more of this inflated bullshit, and you're going to extend it for another six months. SIX FUCKING MONTHS. Don't tell your manager. Don't tell your friends. Don't even tell your goddamn family. This is between us.
Malik: Okay, I've changed your monthly rate back to $58.
Allie: Destroy the tapes, Malik.
Malik: I'm sorry, what?
Allie: They're recording us. Trust me, I know when tapes are rolling, and right now they're fucking rolling. Destroy the tapes.
Malik: Have a nice-
Allie: IF YOU WANT YOUR FAMILY TO LIVE, DESTROY THE TAPES.
Malik: Have a nice day.
Allie: You too.
thethinkingjar:
Sometimes I hate the Supreme Court.
UGH. I agree, but I would add that I hate 5/9ths of the Supreme Court. I’m obsessed with the other 4. I wish there was a Supreme Court Justice reality show and that I was on the panel as an “Expert Blogger / Future Law Student.” I would totally vote Chief Roberts out. Ruth Bader Ginsburg forever.
Facebook Event Comprehension FAIL
aviamon asked: It was intentional, don't worry. KIETH gave me the thumbs up.
1 tag
aviamon:
The Winner Takes it All - ABBA
Vocals:...
Wow, I feel illiterate
Do you ever read words that your brain registers, yet you never actually say them in your head?
Like when you read the third Harry Potter book for your reading class, but when you went to do the book report you thought - How the hell do you say that H-name? Herm-ee-oh-nee? Her-my-own? - Then you thought - I’ve been reading her name for three books now! How have I not figured it out?!
I...
Literal knock-knock jokes
aviamon:
Knock, Knock. Who’s there? It’s Your landlord. Ah, I see you’ve come to gather this month’s rent. I have. I’d also like to discuss some recent noise complaints I’ve received from other tenants. Is this a convenient time for you or shall I come back later?
thanks, bestrooftalkever
Quite excellent.
I just drunk-dialed my Tumblr.
What is this world coming to!?!?
Nevermore? →
2010-2011 Hustler DVD Parody Line Up
This is such fitting news considering that the past few days have been defined by cake farts (I’m not even going to link it. It’s terrible) and “nuts in da ass, dick in a pussy.” (Again, terrible.)
Hustler is set to do porn remakes of
GLEE
and
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM.
Um.
What?
I truly believe that Pandora has magical mind-reading capabilities and is manipulating my emotions.
I’m currently terrified about the idea of moving on to new things and letting go of old ones, and every song that comes on is about… moving on to new things and letting go of old ones.
And now as I’m typing this, it started playing the song I sang for Deltones this semester,...
BEST COSMO SEX TIP EVAR
If you’ve kept up with your Cosmo sex tips, you may remember reading that a scrunchie can be used on a man’s member to help him maintain an erection. Now we’re upping the ante and taking that technique in a new direction. Start by stacking six scrunchies on top of each other over his package. “Then remove them one by one using your lips and tongue,” says St. Claire....
Tumblr is my Dangling Carrot
I just made an awesome video homage to one of my biggest internet pet peeves (the fake British singing voice) but I have vowed not to post it until I finish 10 pages of thesis.
DANGLING CARROT.
